Letters
by Mandolina Lightrobber
Summary: Edward Elric is writing a letter to someone called Pearl. He obviously has quite a bit to say to all of the world. Letter format.


**A/N:** Pearl (Pearl of the Dark Age) is a fellow fanfic writer and a good friend of mine. Originally this started in LJ, but as it is **_me_**, it turned into something more.

**Disclaimer:** I disclaim everything except the words written and the ideas portrayed here.

* * *

**Letters**

Dear Pearl,

Life sucks. Al's being a grump all the time due to some rust that's been spreading all over his toes (I told him not to go near water, dammit!), and Philosopher's Stone still not in sight. Stupid Colonel Flame Alchemist sent us on another stupid mission, and all because Al found out what he's hiding under his white gloves. This is not a place to talk about it because I suspect they're checking the mail.

Anyway. Met some weird guy called Envy. Boy, does he dress weird! I should ask Winry to teach the guy some proper dresscode, as she's a girl and should know everything about it. He'd need a haircut, too. Aside from that, I hope I don't run into my Sensei, as she's quite scary, and we're kind of getting quite close to where she lives.  
I know Colonel Mustang sent us here hoping that she kills us because of you-know-what we attempted and ended up the way we did. Of course, that'd be his lucky day. Seriously, the guy needs to go get a life.

Since I'm running out of paper, I have to make this short. Wait, I'm NOT short! It's the paper that's short. NOT ME, DAMMIT! Anyway. Don't know if you'll get any more letters from me in the closest time (and if Winry finds out I sent you and not her a letter... I'll be quite screwed) because of this mission that's not even important.

Yours truly,  
Edward Elric.

P.s. The secret behind Colonel's gloves is... PINK NAILPOLISH!  
Now I'll have to find a safe place where to hide. Perhaps Scar-san can help me with this one...

* * *

Dear Pearl,

I'm still alive. Not thanks to Scar-san though. The place I'm at now seems to be quite safe, and I hope stupid Colonel won't find me here. Not that he could even if he wanted to.

Al is all grumpy again because I told him to scrape the rust off all by himself. If we use alchemy, it seems to only attract some weirdos like Lyra. The first time I saw her, I thought she was a crossdressing boy. Why are there weird people everywhere we go? God (not that I believe in him or something), they need to get a life. All of them! And also they should start to attend to their problems themselves, instead of expecting help from a State Alchemist.

Speaking of which… Al got mistaken for ME AGAIN! I AM NOT THAT SMALL, DAMMIT! Wait, I am NOT SMALL AT ALL! HOW DARE THEY! I think I should turn Al into something that does not draw attention. I am THE State Alchemist after all. And I don't need a stupid transmutation circle either. HAH! See them all chew and choke on that!

All that put aside… I hope you are doing fine, and that Colonel Mustang has not done anything to you, as you now know his secret too. In fact, I should spread the word to all of the people I meet that the all-powerful Flame Alchemist has an addiction to pink nailpolish.

Hope you're doing fine,

Edward Elric.

* * *

Dear Pearl,

I finally met up with Scar-san, and found out something that I just HAD to share. You see, the reason why Scar-san is so wanted throughout the land is because he knows another secret of the ever-so-great Colonel Flame Alchemist. Honestly. The guy is hiding one too many things, sitting in his chair and looking so great and important. And he even has the nerve to mock me!

But yes. Whoever knew that Colonel Mustang had an addiction to pink and fuzzy chu-chu undies? Wow, and here I thought this Envy guy was dressing weird!

Anyway. Now I have to find a new hideout as this one is getting quite insecure, and there have been several State Alchemist sightings in the area. Guess now they're on to me. I think I'll share all the information with them, so that we can go and hide together.

On a side note, – perhaps I should transform Al into something useful and send it to our Sensei as an apology. Surely she will not demolish him. At least, not completely.

Gotta run now,

Ed.

* * *

Dear Pearl,

Plan did not work. No one believed me. Had to run again. It's really good that I'm small, otherwise they would have spotted me where I was hiding. Wait… Did I actually write that? It's not good at all! Of course, if I were bigger, I'd have problems hiding, but… IT'S NOT GOOD THAT I'M SMALL! Grrrrr! Don't say that ever again or I'll transform you inside a piece of rock! See how you like that.

Also, Sensei found us. Not going to write it all down; it's enough if I say that I still have nightmares from that day. And then Winry attacked me with a wrench because she found out I'm sending you letters. Said that I did not want to and that Al forced me, but don't think she believed. The day I find out where she keeps that thing, I'm going to erode it to rust. Mmmm… Sweet revenge…

Received a word from Scar-san. He's been spreading some rumours about me in South, and can you believe it? Stupid Colonel Mustang actually sent a patrol to check it out. Then there's that guy Russel. You know, – the one who used my name? He's somewhere in the West right now and he promised to think up something too. Keh. Let's see stupid Colonel counter that one! Soon everyone will know his big secret! Sensei sure fell over laughing when she heard it.

Hope all is well with you,

Ed.

* * *

_Well, there you go. Perhaps I shall do some other letters written by some other anime characters if I get in the mood. Or maybe it'll be a diary. Hmmm... Good question._


End file.
